The children have started to show their asses. During those first few years, a lot of the disciplinary issues we ran into were due more to a lack of understanding on our little angels’ parts than anything else. The children didn’t understand that the walls of our home weren’t blank canvases to create upon with their un-washable markers. They didn’t understand that grabbing something right out of someone’s … Continue reading I Am The Law?
I think something inside me has finally broken. My beloved wife likes to joke (at least I think she’s joking) that I spoil everything. This usually comes up in response to my habit of watching TV or movies with what I would refer to as an analytical eye. She just calls it pooping on everything. I can’t help myself. I watch something and I immediately … Continue reading Destroying Childhoods or Ruining What My Kids Make Me Watch
Let’s get real for a moment. What would you do if someone did this to you? What about this? This? HOW ABOUT THIS?? I’ll tell you what you’d do – you’d call the cops, call an exorcist, or mete out violent retribution with your own two thirsty-for-blood fists. Unless, of course, those responsible happened to look like this: I have suffered each of these … Continue reading Why God Made the Children Cute
No, not that one. The other one. The one that had me praying for death just as a new year was dawning. The flu. Common wisdom holds that any man stricken with such a disease will immediately revert to a state that’s somewhere between infant and corpse. That’s certainly what I WANTED to do. There was just one small problem: I wasn’t the only victim. … Continue reading The F-Bomb
Today marks the 2nd anniversary of the day that destroyed everything I knew about myself, my home, and my place therein. Never forget: War Journal – Entry #1: Dungeon of Frivolity – 11/04/2015 13:45 hrs I now know the anxiety that comes when a two year old decides that the time has come to scoff at the laws of gravity and throw himself to the test of … Continue reading The Action Figure Wars
In the post-apocalyptic world, children are a death sentence. “Wait”, you say shaking your head in confusion, “won’t children become even more important after the apocalypse? Won’t we need them to propagate the species?”. Nice thought, but the truth is just the reverse. Look at the average behavior of any child under the age of six and it won’t take long for you to figure … Continue reading Five Ways My Kids Are Going To Get Me Killed in the Zombie Apocalypse
Hi. How are you doing today? Well, I hope. Listen, we need to have a talk. It’s come to my attention that you are a young, responsible, loving individual(s) that has taken on the responsibility of pet ownership. I can only imagine how excited you were the first time you saw your little ball of fluff, snuggling it and petting it, playing with its … Continue reading Dear “Fur Parents”
Oh, look at you, you magnificent tool. I don’t even know where to start. Are you drunk in this picture? You have to be drunk. Tell me you’re drunk, ’cause I’m having a hard enough time believing that I’m going to turn out like this. Oh, and one question – WHERE THE HELL IS OUR HAIR?? What on God’s earth possessed you to do that … Continue reading Hey, Old Man!
Parenting can be a thankless job. Sure we get Mother’s and Father’s Days, and every once in a while they’ll make us some little craft or art project out of the blue, but for the most part parenting is a one-way street. We raise them, care for them, provide for them, and they go on about their lives never questioning the golden parachute that is … Continue reading Payback or What I Want From My Kids