On today’s episode of “We Could Have Just Been Pet People”…

Last night, as I was getting ready to head out to a parent/teacher conference for his big brother, SOMEONE (having decided his father didn’t have nearly enough stress in his life) SHOVED A DAMN LEGO UP HIS NOSTRIL.

Not just a little bit up in there, either. DAMN NEAR UP TO THE SEPTUM.

Now I’m sure in the millisecond before insertion, the child thought that this would provide the comedy relief he seemed to think we all needed. However, the millisecond after insertion he seemed to realize the grave mistake and cried out in mortal fear for his life.

This was followed with a harrowing trip to the ER where I had to keep reassuring him that they would not have to open his belly to get it out, nor that anyone had ever actually died from having a LEGO shoved up their nose.

A wasted trip, as it turned out, because after three different attempts to suck the blockage out of the horrified child’s nasal cavity while he cried out for salvation from the father who was having to bodily restrain him, the nurses threw in the towel. We’d have to see an ENT specialist the next day. So after getting their assurances that no, the blockage wasn’t obstructing his airways, we left. He calmed down at this point, having conned his way into three suckers. 

Plus the one who would have to call in to work for the second time in a week, having had to take one off two days before when his brother came down with strep throat.

Joy.

So we go to the ENT this afternoon, where apparently the most hated brand of toy just so happens to be LEGO.  

Can’t imagine why.

Doctor came in to the room and I prepared myself for the terrific battle to come, along with the very real possibility that my son would be doomed to have a LEGO stuck in his right nostril for the rest of his natural life.

Doctor pulled it out in two seconds. I suspect divine intervention.

So my boy could once again breathe freely. As a reward for his bravery this afternoon, I took him by the local Target to check out toy options for Christmas.

The little shit went straight to the LEGO section.

If you heard about the mushroom cloud spotted over Northern Kentucky today, please don’t be afraid. That was just my damn head exploding.

The wife and I could have just been pet people.