Let’s get real for a moment.
What would you do if someone did this to you?
What about this?
HOW ABOUT THIS??
I’ll tell you what you’d do – you’d call the cops, call an exorcist, or mete out violent retribution with your own two thirsty-for-blood fists.
Unless, of course, those responsible happened to look like this:
I have suffered each of these indignities more times than I care to admit (especially the first one). For real, if it were anyone else I’d have at the very least dropped the atomic elbow on them by now. I’m not a particularly violent man (my brother would actually characterize me more as a “sissy la-la”), but even I have my limits. Yet not one hair on their little heads has ever or will ever be harmed, nor will they ever be cast out into the cold and unforgiving world. Know why?
Because God made them cute.
Say what you will about The Almighty, but it’s clear that there was a superior and stunningly mischievous intellect at work when She came up with the whole concept of children.
“Let’s see,” she must have said to herself as the Creative Juices of Infinity began to flow, “I need to come up with a new way for them to reproduce, but I’m still a little pissed about that whole drama with the apple. I want to give them a second chance, but they also need to be taught a lesson.”
“It can’t be pretty. The women are going to have to get huge and go through extraordinary pain to bring the new ones into the world. It will need to irrevocably distort their bodies in ways they can’t begin to imagine. They can’t be the only ones made to suffer, though. There’s no way I’m letting the men off the hook. It’s only fair that I make it so that the little ones target them to work out their rage at being evicted from the soft embrace of their mother’s womb.”
” There’s going to have to be so much kicking, screaming, puking, and loss of sleep. The little demons will need to drive their parents to the brink of mental and physical exhaustion. They’ll use up all their resources, and then when the parents think they have no more to give, they’ll ask for more.”
”How do I fashion such a creature? One that will cause them so much grief and pain, and yet be so irresistible, that the poor slobs bringing them into the world won’t be able to help but love and make more of them.”
That’s when the light bulb (or in Her case, THE SUN) blinked on over The Almighty’s head:
“I’ll make them cute!”
And She did.
And it was good. For her.
We’ve been kicking ourselves in our own asses ever since. It’s not just that they’re cute. It’s that their SO damn cute that they could hit us over the head with a cinder block after lighting our nether regions on fire and we’ll STILL love them more than life itself. It’s no accident that they came out with those squishy little cheeks, those itty-bitty finger grabbing digits, or that new baby smell that makes a bad crack habit easy to kick in comparison.
Then they get even cuter when they grow up a bit. Before you can stop yourself you’re dressing them in tutus and little Star Wars T-shirts. You delight in their obvious genius when they start babbling incoherently. Before you know it, you start babbling incoherently back at them and rush out to the nearest toy store to secure more and more offerings for the precious little cherubs. You record every moment, completely ignorant of the fact that your entire life has been upended and taken over. You aren’t just being played. You’re LOVING that you’re being played.
Unfortunately they don’t stay that cute. They grow up. They start talking back. They get attitudes. By then, though, it’s too late. They’ll still coast along on your memories of their prior cuteness, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Nothing legal, ethical, or recommended by this page, anyways.
So there you have it. We’ve all been suckered. All we can do is try to minimize the damage until they’re old enough to move out and start the endless, vicious cycle all over again. At least then you can enjoy the satisfaction of seeing what havoc their own little cutenesses perpetrate upon them.
And all the while, She’ll be laughing her heavenly ass off.
Well played, God. Well played.