Oh, look at you, you magnificent tool. I don’t even know where to start. Are you drunk in this picture? You have to be drunk. Tell me you’re drunk, ’cause I’m having a hard enough time believing that I’m going to turn out like this.
Oh, and one question – WHERE THE HELL IS OUR HAIR?? What on God’s earth possessed you to do that to our head? Is that natural or did you just lose your mind?? I’m going to go with natural, because I need to believe that I don’t actually turn into an even bigger tool than I already am.
So, yeah, you wrote about how you would like to go back in time and kick your own ass when you were me. Doesn’t look like it should be much of a problem seeing as how you appear to have packed on about 50 extra pounds. What happened to working out all the time? I mean, I know I’m not a gym rat or anything, but at least I get some cardio in every now and then. Well, not the days I’ve got fraternity stuff going on. Or usually the days after, because I might be moving a little slow if you get my meaning. Crap. You remember all this! You remember how skinny I am! What the hell did you do to my body?? Kick my ass. I oughtta hop in a time machine and kick YOUR ass!
Oh, and don’t wine to me about school. Apparently I got the diploma, so what are you complaining about? As long as you’re not working with money, you should be fine. Don’t forget that’s the one thing we promised ourselves – that we’d NEVER work with money!
(Editor’s note – I work with money).
Okay, so apparently now I’m bald and fat. Fantastic. How in the hell did you manage to get married? What woman had enough love in her heart to actually choose this? Like I don’t have enough problems getting a date now! How did you end up with a quality woman? Seriously, you left that out of the letter. You’re supposed to tell me so I sidestep all the screwy relationships and don’t mess up when I meet her. Don’t give me that, “you need to go through it all to learn how to be with her” crap either! I’m getting real tired of spending all my time either in the friendship zone or on the wrong girl’s hook. Come on, man! You couldn’t have sent me her address??
All I know is that you better be treating her like the angel she is EVERYDAY. All I’ve wanted all my life is to fall for someone who sees something more in me than I do. Someone who can be my everything. You damn well better not be screwing that up! You hold on to her and tell her how much she means to you every chance you get. Don’t get lazy! If she was foolish enough to choose you, then you better be proving yourself worth it non-stop! Don’t be taking her for granted. You say you remember what that feels like.
The same goes for those kids. I can’t believe someone actually decided to make kids with us! Twice! You’re telling me that we’ve got two boys? Weird. For some reason I always thought we’d have a girl. I’m not suggesting you go make another one or anything. Two’s good. Worked for Mom and Dad. Should work for us.
So two boys. One of them got diagnosed with something called autism? I have no idea what that is. It sounds scary as hell. With all the problems we’ve had growing up, I wish I could say I’m surprised. That’s something I worry about all the time. That I’m gonna pass on my problems to my kids. How do you live with that, knowing that he probably has it because of you? I don’t think I’ll do anything different, though, based on knowing. I mean, according to you I’m going to love him like I’ve never loved anything before. Why would I give up the chance for that? Mom and Dad helped me along through all the therapies and stuff I had to take as a kid. If I really do love him that much, I’ll do the same for him in a heartbeat.
Dude, you are living my dream. All I ever wanted was that family. It’s not like I’m career-oriented or anything. I can’t believe everything actually works out. You got friends who’ve been with you since you were me, a beautiful wife, two kids. When did we ever want anything else? You should be dancing on the ceiling if you’re not already! Like I said before, you better appreciate every bit of it! I don’t know how you managed to get all this, but you damn sure better not take it for granted!
You obviously took our hair for granted, you prick. Look how that worked out!