I’ve noticed something a bit curious about the interactions between my mother and children.

Every time Granny Awesome keeps the boys overnight, we always have a quick de-briefing to see when and if she’ll ever watch them again. The response I get is always the same: “Oh, they were sweet little angels. They slept all night, didn’t give me any problems with eating. They were just so happy and content”.

I find this puzzling as I cannot believe these are the same children I dropped off. They almost certainly turn out not to be the ones I picked back up. There are only two explanations:

1) They’ve somehow been replaced by sophisticated replicants programmed to obey my mother’s every word. This is, of course, completely preposterous, which leads to the only possible truth:

2) They’ve been brainwashed. They’ve become sleeper agents for an insidious conspiracy that is referred to in hushed tones only as “The Gramminati”.

Think about when you first brought your children home from the hospital. Who was the first person to volunteer to come over and keep the kids “so you can get some rest?” Granny. And while you were sleeping, that’s when the conditioning began. Their techniques are shrouded in mystery, and completely effective in making the child a willing thrall of the grandmother (not the grandfather. While he does benefit from the practice, he’s just the muscle. Grandma’s the brains of the operation).

It all becomes so clear when you think about it. Why are they always begging to have the kids come stay with them? Why do they always show up with gifts, hugs, kisses, sugar, and caffeine? To maintain the linkages on the brainwashing. Watch “The Manchurian Candidate”. It’s all there. Know what those loud noise making presents and cards full of cash are? Discreet arming and funding of home-grown terrorists.

To what end you ask? Revenge for the sheer hell we put them through when we were agents of THEIR parents. Haven’t you ever wondered WHY you will drop absolutely everything just to go mow Grandpa’s yard at a moment’s notice, or do household work for Granny that you would never do for your parents, let alone yourself? It’s an endless, vicious, escalating cycle, and it must be stopped.

But this doesn’t make any sense, you say. If they could manipulate children so easily, force them into compliance, why didn’t they do that with us? Simple. When you’re a first-time parent raising a child from infancy to adulthood for the first time, you don’t know
$h!t. It takes YEARS to refine the techniques that can turn a feral child into an instrument of vengeance. This is how it’s worked for generations, when the first European settlers brought with them the Ancient Babylonian mysticism that makes it all possible. It took years to meld those arcane spells with the practices of the native people to create this infallible system. “THE WAY” is only passed on once you are accepted into the ranks of the conspiracy (typically when you receive your first AARP card – Press “0” on the help line to speak with an operator that will send you a free indoctrination kit).

Now you know. I write this to sound the charge to defend yourselves. Don’t be lulled by Granny’s warm words of support and sympathetic nodding of the head the next time the children decide your walls make excellent canvases on which to express their artistic inclinations, or that the toilet makes an awesome jacuzzi.  Don’t be fooled by their understanding hugs when puberty hits and the children go bat-a$$ crazy, staying out all night doing God knows what. Now you know what they’re doing. Her will.

She is the architect of all your pain.

If anything happens to me, you know where to start looking. God Bless.

You can follow on instagram at fatherhood_in_the_trenches, or on twitter@jmwilson3055.  At least, you can for now…..