There are those that say parenting is an adventure. Those people are wrong. Parenting is a war, a never-ending conflict of wills, strategy, and endurance. It is a war that unfortunately, I more often than not find myself on the losing side of.
But I’m not bitter.
“You’re so funny”, my friends say, “your kids are adorable. How could you ever imply that they are anything other than sweet little angels?”. Simple, because I live with them and I’ve been on the receiving end of their ire. Don’t let those cherubic little smiles fool you. They’re Machiavellian geniuses who will stop at nothing to achieve their goals while bending all others to their will. I’m just the first. I won’t be the last.
And so, in order to give you a fuller picture of whom exactly we’re dealing with here, I will be presenting to you Profiles in Disorder, biographical data that I hope will give you some context to the challenges I face. First up:
Known Aliases: Bro-Bro, Gojira, Captain Angry-Hair, The Boy Who Knocks
Profession: Interpretive Dancer/ MMA Sparring Partner
Distinctive Characteristics: An unruly crop of brown, curly hair that refuses taming by any means known to parent or hair care professional. This wig has demonstrated almost animal-like characteristics, protecting itself from any attempt at brushing or combing by actively grabbing the implement out of the hand and casting it to the floor. Do not mess with the hair.
Likes: Dinosaurs, melee’ combat, the beauty and tranquility of nature, any small object that he can use his hands to fiddle with, Looney Tunes, “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, music, red-heads, Jell-O
Dislikes: Any food his father attempts to feed him, independent films, public displays of affection, the metric system
Foreign Languages: Fluent Road-Runner; conversational Wookie
Favorite Jams: “Frosty the Snowman”, Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”
Signature Move: “The Cray-Cray Dance”; a combination of “The Snoopy Dance” and Jennifer Beal’s “Flashdance”.
Quote: “Mo’ peez!” (Translation: “I require milk. You will stop what you’re doing and obtain it for me. Two squirts chocolate syrup, shaken, not stirred. Also, I have soiled myself. Cleanse me”)
BIO: The firstborn of Papa Cheeks and Mama Angel, the Footloose completely threw out any preconceptions his parents had about raising children. He came with no instruction manual, and despite the enormous amount of preparation and research that was conducted prior to his arrival, the parents were caught completely flat-footed. This was actually to his liking, as he much preferred training them fresh as opposed to having to retrain a pair of servants who had their own ideas about “what’s right”.
“What’s right” is what he wants in that moment. Nothing more, nothing less.
Seemingly made of rubber, he is capable of bending and contorting his body in ways that would make the most seasoned yogi cry for his momma. Developing an interest in music and dance at an early age, Footloose has astounded those around him with his ability to choreograph to any music, whether it be an old standard or the jingle from an Oscar-Mayer commercial.
He has also exhibited preternatural fighting ability, mastering MMA grappling and wrestling techniques that usually take years of training to develop. He continues to hone these skills nightly on his father, whose male ego has been completely demolished by the fact that he continually has to “tap out” after being trapped in his five-year-old’s various submission holds.
At 2 years of age, the Master was diagnosed with autism. The long-term impact on his development is still unknown, but he has taken to therapy like the savage conqueror that he is. Rest assured that whatever potential he has, Footloose will achieve it in full, and the world will take notice.
Tune in tomorrow for our second Profile in Disorder showcasing that rascally roustabout, Roundbottom